call to all children of fight separations

Door Joris Swinkels 16 November 2018

Here is a call to all children of fight separations or whose parents are still fighting.


Write down the following so that you can tell it to your parents.


Dear dad and mom,


I love you very much, you are my everything, my safety, my security, and above all you are my greatest heroes, my greatest examples. My examples of how life works, my examples of how love works, my examples of how love goes from dad to mom, and from a mom to a dad. My examples of how we should deal with each other in difficult times.


Who you are in my youth will decide who I will be in the rest of my life.


I will never stop loving you whatever you do, because I know you sometimes have a hard time, and you are doing the best you can. And yet I want to ask you to be kind to each other.


You have thoughts about each other, stupid thoughts, perhaps terrible thoughts. At least very different thoughts than the thoughts you had when I was born and you first looked at me. Know that you can not do anything about it that you now have these thoughts. You do not choose these thoughts, you are not responsible for ‘having these thoughts’.


These thoughts are a result of your own past, your own insecurities, your own anger, and your own pain. Your thoughts will ensure that I pick up something while you talk about each other, which gives me a bad feeling. I feel guilty. I do not want to choose. I do not want to feel bad. If you can no longer have nice thoughts for each other as a partner, can you still try to have good thoughts for ‘the other person as my dad’ or ‘ my mam’? Please….?


Your attitude towards each other is my example. I feel what you do not say, I see what you do not do.


Even though you can not choose which thoughts you have about each other, you can choose whether you want to connect your actions to your thoughts or not. You do have a choice in what you ‘do’ and how you ‘speak’.


Your speech teaches me how to speak. Not only in the words but also in the feeling behind it. And your behavior towards each other speaks even louder than your words.


I want to ask you what you would like your father or mother to do if you were me …. (even if you think differently)

Dear daddy, dear mama, I know that you have not succeeded in forming the family that I would have loved, but do you want to promise me to do your best, to make the best of that ‘what is now’, even if it is difficult? And if you want to, but you can not, you want to call Uncle Joris, maybe he can help you.


Dearest dad, dearest mom of the entire world,


I love you.


PS: I, Joris are also separated from the mother of my children. Fortunately, we are able to feel a lot of love for each other and to consciously deal with each other for ourselves and our children. My own situation has made me much more sensitive to the pain that children experience as a result of divorced parents. Even though I believe that everything has a reason and that it sometimes comes to a larger picture that parents do not stay together, the bond you have with your children, and the safety and love that you provide, especially in the separate situation, is perhaps one of the most important responsibilities in your life. In any case, I think more important than the events that have been there, more important than work and more important than ego.


Do not let your reaction to the past be your motive for the future.


And I know it can be difficult, especially sometimes. But you are bigger than that. And if you can not yet step into that ‘greatness’, work on yourself. I can help you with that.

Are you a parent in this or a similar situation and do you want to change the course? Make an appointment here.

Share this message with anyone who wants to read it, especially if it is needed.


Photo by Wei Ding on Unsplash

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